“Perhaps home is not a place but simply an irrevocable condition.”
- James Baldwin
Question of the Month
Do you consider yourself home? How would you describe the home within you?
I hope October was revealing and empowering for you! If you haven’t already, download my free Shadow Work worksheet at GariTalks.com.
Once November hits, it often feels like we are in a race toward icy weather, family-centered holidays, and the New calendar Year.
For those of us who dislike the cold, experience Seasonal Affective Disorder, have painful relationships with blood family, reject the tradition of “Thanksgiving,” or just feel generally stressed about the end of the year, I just wanna say I HEAR YOU, I SEE YOU, and I FEEL YOU.
Your feelings are valid and I pray that you receive support in getting your needs met this season.
Now, onto our regularly scheduled program! She’s a thick read this month, so take your time :)
Surviving the Trigger Minefield that is “Thanksgiving Season”
November, and “Thanksgiving,” can be a really emotionally challenging time. The earth is literally turning away from the sun and putting the Northern Hemisphere through its coldest, darkest season.
On top of that, we add a societal pressure to embrace family and ‘gratitude’ as we celebrate a very sinister holiday (← click there to read about the true, bloody Origins of Thanksgiving) that glorifies overconsumption.
It can feel like the Universe itself is working overtime to throw triggers your way this time of year!
Which brings us to the Focus of this month: Emotional Triggers, their Purpose, and How to Deal with them when they arise.
I chose this Focus because I know a lot of folks are going (or not going) ‘home’ & spending time with family this season. I want to give yall some knowledge and grounding tools to add to your toolkit.
First, let’s unpackage this word ‘trigger.’
By definition, a trigger is a "device by means of which a catch or spring is released and a mechanism set in action.”
The verb to trigger is to “cause (an event or situation) to happen or exist.”
For example: Pulling the trigger of a gun causes the launching of a bullet.
So a trigger, most simply, is a thing that makes another thing happen.
In psychology, a trigger is a stimulus (word, person, event, or experience) that creates an immediate emotional reaction.
[Triggers can be positive (a smell that reminds us of a joyous time) and negative (a sound that generates fear); though we tend to use the word almost exclusively to describe negative stimuli.]
‘Feeling or being triggered’ refers to when a stimulus prompts an involuntary recall of a previous traumatic experience; which activates our body’s survival response (fight, flight, or freeze) and causes us to act in ways to protect ourselves from perceived danger.**
For example: My mom used to frighten me in the dark as a child, so now whenever the lights go out, I notice my body tenses, my breathing becomes shallow, and my thoughts begin to spiral.
Do you see the connection between the definition of ‘trigger’ and the psychological-emotional experience of ‘being triggered’?
Experiencing stimulus that relates to our past traumatic experiences can create the emotional experience of it happening again right now. Long after it has actually happened.
And the experience of feeling triggered can last for a long time after we’ve experienced the stimulus.
This kind of emotional overwhelm can be extremely taxing on our physical, mental, and spiritual wellbeing because it overworks our body’s sympathetic nervous system by overproducing cortisol and adrenaline (stress hormones).
**Let me stop here and make it very clear that a traumatic stress reaction is a normal reaction to abnormal circumstances. So experiencing anxiety, shame, numbness, exhaustion, sadness, confusion, and/or dissociation in response to a traumatizing event is NORMAL. There is no one right way to deal with trauma. It is important that we practice grace & self-compassion when dealing with trauma triggers.
That said, there are two things to pay attention to when it comes to triggers. If:
Our triggers constantly interfere with and disrupt our ability to live a full life, or
We find ourselves running from and fiercely avoiding our triggers,
It is a call to address our emotional wounds and feel into/face what we have been avoiding.
This brings us to our second piece: The purpose of triggers.
Evolutionarily (so on a survival basis), I believe, we have triggers to keep us from experiencing past harm.
Imagine a caveman eating a bright red, poisonous frog and getting really sick. He eventually dies, and his child witnesses the whole experience. The child may approach bright frogs with caution and hesitation in the future. Seeing a red frog might make them feel disgusted, sick, or even fearful - to keep them from repeating an action that caused them (and their loved one) harm in the past.
Let’s now imagine a slightly different scenario. Imagine a young soldier waiting on a quiet street outside a house she thought was empty. A garbage truck rolls by, filling her nose with the smell of rotting food and waste. As the sound of the truck fades, she hears several deafening booms. Before she can even get her weapon, she loses her entire unit to the explosions.
Now, every time she hears or smells a garbage truck (or anything that sounds like one), or hears the boom of fireworks, she gets tense and reaches for a gun that isn’t there.
What’s the main difference between these two scenarios?
The caveman’s child is reacting to an actual threat - the frog is poisonous and if they eat the frog again, they will die as their father did.
The veteran is reacting to a perceived threat - the garbage truck and the fireworks are not inevitably tied to danger. It is the connection to her painful memory that makes those stimuli scary/threatening.
It doesn’t make the veteran’s emotional experience any less real, however it is important to recognize that in reality, danger is not currently present.
Triggers based on past trauma show us where the past invades the present.
Triggers arise in the present to give us insight about our emotional habits, our social-emotional needs, and how we process and hold emotion.
“When you can recognize that you are being triggered, it’s because you are safe enough to heal” - KellyAnne Herman
Think about it: Have you ever walked away from an interaction and only then realized that you were hella activated? Heart racing, body tense, shaking even? Your body was ready to fight, to flee - to protect yourself from a threat - without you even realizing! Those are moments where you were not safe; the triggering occurred unconsciously, outside of your conscious awareness.
On the flip side, have you ever been in a tense interaction and noticed that your body began to activate? You can feel the energy shift, your breath beginning to shorten, your heart starting to pound. THIS is a very key moment. This is what it looks like to begin the healing process. When you can recognize these things as they are happening, you can also begin to make different choices to create more safety within yourself.
When we can understand our triggers as an invitation to address & unlearn a traumatized stress response created from the past, we can truly begin to heal.
5 Tips to Dealing with Being Triggered:
Recognize Your Activation
Learn what being triggered looks and feels like for you. Is there an onset - something that can alert you that your inner world is shifting? A coldness starting at the base of your neck, restless fingers, nail-biting? Can you recognize if you’re dissociating or beginning to shut down? Make an effort to get to know how your triggers affect your body.
Step Away
When you are feeling activated and triggered, it can be very challenging to self-regulate. We can lose our ability to be objective, to process information, to respond (versus unconsciously react). In these moments, it’s important to take a breather. Temporarily put some space between you and the trigger, so you can get a hold on your emotional experience. [Make sure you come back! You can’t outrun your triggers!]
What this can sound like in a live conversation: “Hey, I can feel myself starting to get really agitated, I need to step away from this for a bit”
Name It
Any exorcism fans in the crowd? What is the most important part in banishing a demon from a person? Knowing its name. Ya gotta know the name of the entity in order to command it. Same goes for our emotions, feelings, and triggers. There is such a power in being able to acknowledge something for what it is. When it comes back up, you can be like “Ah I recognize this.”
Pro-Tip: Make a list of your known triggers - not as a tool for avoidance but for awareness.
Seek the Source
Triggers come from past experiences. Triggers based on past trauma show us where the past invades the present. Being able to identify the source of a trigger reaction is KEY in freeing ourselves from its grip. Every trigger has an origin story, get to know yours.
Question Your Projections
We predict outcomes based on past experience. If someone cheated on you in the past, you may fear the same thing happening with your current love interest; and so you get super triggered when they desire to go out with their friends. Which makes logical sense, your body fears a repetition of that original sequence - even though your partner going out isn’t inevitably tied to infidelity. While it is possible that your partner could cheat on you, it isn’t a guarantee (even if it feels that way). Challenge that assumption.
When we make our reactions about other people and their actions, it leaves us powerless, because we can’t change them.
We can however, take ownership for our reactions in the present. This helps us reconnect with our power, begin to let go of our attachments to past wounds, and heal.
Take care of yourselves and your heart this season!
Love, gari
P.S. If you want to learn more about the language of Emotions, check out the Resource Center at GariTalks.com
On the Menu
Spotlight Shoutout: Alyssa F.
Tea & Tools: Boundaries Shouldn’t Be Binding
Travel Updates: GariTalks is in NYC! (+ 2 Random VanLife Tips)
Upcoming Events & Announcements
Spotlight Shoutout
Alyssa - traveler, adventurer, proud pup parent
Alyssa is the person who showed me that my dreams of living on the road could be a reality.
I met Alyssa on Hinge (a dating app) back in the summer of 2020. I was drawn to their profile because of how honest they were about their desires to connect and because of the photos they shared of their RV at the time, Stella. I had just learned about vanlife and was really excited about the idea of converting a shuttle bus.
I am forever grateful for the way Alyssa welcomed me into their life. I will always remember the honesty and genuine attention we shared in our first meeting. Alyssa was one of the first people I had met online that I could feel wanted nothing but truthfulness from me. It was a safety I hadn’t quite experienced with another person and also spoke to the beginnings of my shift out of codependency.
Though we were extremely different, the self-assured way Alyssa moved through the world and interacted with others immediately inspired me. As I continued to get to know them, I got to experience firsthand the care with which they hold their community and friends. You can tell a lot about someone based on how their loved ones speak about them and look at them. I know the people in Alyssa’s life deeply value and love this being.
And I gotta say a word about Alyssa’s PERSISTENT spirit! They have had so many false starts, mechanical difficulties, tows… they even had to get a whole new van after realizing Stella the RV was not going to work out. Most people I know would say, “This is the Universe telling me no” and give up. I love that Alyssa took those challenges with grace and used it as fuel for their excitement. They have been a living example of what it looks like to be committed to your dreams.
Alyssa is currently boldly living their best van life with Dos (the van) and their 2 beautiful pups Jasper and Jack Jack. Last I checked they were in New Mexico.
Offering: Casual assistance with building and planning for van conversions
Seeking: Connections with more queer folx who are also living a nomadic life on the road
Keep on shining, Lyss! I am so grateful to know you in this lifetime. And we are excited to witness the new levels of joy & freedom your adventures will bring you 🥰
Connect with Alyssa via Instagram
Tea & Tools
Boundaries Shouldn’t Be Binding
Here is the link to the YouTube video, where I share the whole story + my 3 tips.
Summary: I am a solo polyamorist. This means that I have multiple intimate partners/relationships and lead a single, independent lifestyle. One of the most challenging spaces I’ve had to navigate is Boundaries vs. Rules.
Rules state what we believe someone should/should not do with their body. Boundaries dictate how we will move in response to the choices others make.
For example, sex with condoms. A rule would be “Don’t have sex without a condom” - this is centered in trying to control someone’s behavior. A boundary would be “When you have sex without a condom, I will not have sex with you until xyz terms” - this allows the other person, and you, to remain in choice.
This is simple but not easy because feelings and emotions come into play! We like rules because they seemingly keep us in control, by avoiding the need to deal with behavior we find unfavorable. But… they also create tension. Especially when the rules we craft contrast with our desires or the desires of the people we are trying to rule. Boundaries invite us to practice self-regulation, strengthen our agency, and expand our capacity to deal with emotionally challenging spaces.
So here are 3 tips to keep in mind when setting boundaries:
Become aware of your capacity
Last month we talked about needs. Beyond the basic human needs of physical survival (food, water, air, and shelter); we also have social and emotional needs. It is important that we stay connected with our needs and acknowledge when those needs change. When our needs shift, are met, or remain unmet, our capacity - our ability to function and to hold space (for self/others) - will shift as well. Getting to know your limits is just as important as pushing through them.
Not sure where to start? For the next week, at the end of the day, ask yourself these 2 questions: What built me up today? What drained me? and list your responses.
Acknowledge what you gain in setting this boundary
When it comes to setting effective boundaries, it is crucial that we have an understanding of what it is that we are seeking to gain by setting this boundary. Using the condom example from earlier, What do I gain in choosing to abstain from sex with a partner who has recently practiced condomless sex? I gain agency over my body and what I allow into it. I gain respect & trust for myself by choosing to Not engage with someone I don’t want to engage with. And I can even gain respect & trust from the other person, who now understands that I am being serious about what I said.
Not sure where to start? Review the boundaries you are currently holding/expressing. Make a list of what you gain by choosing to move this way.
Boundaries describe how YOU move
If I state “I do not want to be contacted on Sundays,” this is a preference. When you call on Sunday and I don’t pick up, I have just enforced my boundary. Boundaries invite others to treat us as we would like to be treated, but ultimately the strength of a boundary comes from how we choose to move.
Not sure where to start? Review the boundaries you are currently setting. Ask yourself, Do they center around your actions and behavior? Are they preferences for others’ behavior? How can you center your agency, your power, your choices in each boundary you set?
Travel Updates
GariTalks is on the East Coast! (+ 2 Random Tips for Anyone Considering Vanlife)
I am back in NYC and in a house for the month of November! I came to spend time with my loved ones and family. Plus my mama’s birthday is November 26th (shoutout to that beautiful woman).
Re-acclimating to non-van living has been a very interesting. I’m like ‘whoa I can use the shower, toilet, sink, and stove whenever I want??’ 🤣 I am feeling very grateful and surprised about the things we tend to take for granted living in a house.
Hit me up if you’re on the East Coast and wanting to connect :)
I’m adding a new segment to my Travel Updates: random tips I’m accumulating about living life on the road. For my future vanlife comrades out there.
Think about a toilet
What's the most important room in the house? Turns out… it's the bathroom. Not having access to running water in my home is pretty intense. Thankfully, traveling in the western world is a lot more convenient and protected than other spaces, so I can use generally clean, public facilities. When I’m not in/near a city though, I either:
Use a bucket, with a bag filled with cat litter or,
Poop in nature following Leave No Trace principles (very important!)
Talk to strangers
I know what your parents told you. They were trying to protect you from the potential for harm. But what if I told you, the fear of stranger danger is also keeping you from connection and potential community?? It does not make sense to travel the world and NOT connect with the new people around you - especially when they are likely to be familiar with the unfamiliar spaces you will find yourself in. You never know who you’ll meet - for better and for worse, so keep this in mind when meeting new people:
Be open, but remember you just met them - trust is a cultivated resource
Only share what you are comfortable sharing (be that information or resources)
Get their contact information vs giving your own
Upcoming Events & Announcements
Moon-Based Events
New Moon in Scorpio occurred on Thursday, November 4th at 5.14pm Eastern.
Full Moon in Gemini occurs on Friday, November 19th at 3.57pm Eastern.
I will be hosting my monthly Full Moon Release ceremony on Friday 11/19 at 6pm Pacific/9pm Eastern. You can sign up for that here.
That’s All Folks! Herbal Smoking Blends
I am currently rolling and selling herbal cigarettes. Free shipping on all US orders over $30.
Order yours here.
Inner Child Healing Series (Coming in December)
Check out the event page and reserve your spot here.